Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Relationships...

Yet another post reflecting my thoughts about relationships - its ups and downs...
(I am forever fascinated by this topic....)

My friend/team mate C broke up with her boyfriend of 1 yr last week... She came to office looking crazy and weird and she was constantly in tears... we were quite frankly appalled by her condition - but, there's very little we could do since we aren't personally very close to her and we don't know the guy... here's the story -

C and N had been seeing each other for the past 1 yr, but he was not ready to commit and settle down with her - she knew this and still had some hope that maybe he would change his mind....
I really don't understand why we women (generalisation at its best!) go in for such relationships... She is 24 and he is 28... My first question is - how come a guy who is 28 isn't willing to settle down? All my friends want to - they just haven't found their right companion yet!
Why do we go in for such a relationship where we know that we are the ones who will come away hurt and our self-respect destroyed... Why is that hope harboured that we can change a man and make him commit himself?
As far as I have seen, if a guy says he doesn't want to commit - it means he will never settle down with YOU - he could be doing the settling down with another girl behind your back - but, not YOU...

Such relationships are bad for our ego and self-esteem... Right? But, we still find our friends/cousins in such relationships...

My reasoning is - when C came to know that he didn't want to get into a commitment with her - she wasn't too deep (emotionally) into the relationship - shouldn't she have broken off then and there? Why wait so long?
The sad part is - she takes the blame and says that it's not his fault and that he never wanted to marry her and the worst part is she thinks she isn't "good enough" for him...
We tried telling her that he wasn't good enough for her, but that's not working as of now...

Why do men do that? I mean, lead a girl on and then tell her he isn't "ready" for commitment?
And why do we women nod along and nurse hopes in our hearts hoping that he will change?

Can't we move on? I mean, if both don't want a commitment then it's fine, but either one isn't on the same page as the other person in a relationship isn't it hard? Why do we need to try so hard to change the other person, when we clearly know that he/she won't change?

There are some questions which have been on my mind now for a long time... Any answers?

It's sad to see her so sad and lost - and most of us still think that he used her and just had fun with her while she was totally committed to a guy who wasn't serious or good enough for her...



14 comments:

Swati said...

Disgusting..But she should get over this and she will. I do not understand why we females behave like emotional fools and cry for insensitive men.

Galadriel said...

The point is that women are truly a lot more needy of stability and security and so, they jump at the first opportunity bearing the remotest semblance of emotional support, not really worrying about whether he really is worth throwing their life away for.Typical, but she needs to understand.

jayashri said...

I guess this is not new. I have seen this happening in my friends circle and worst when the friend is a guy and he goes around the world and tells them how this girl is behind his life and he wants to get rid of her but is tolerating her because of all the good stuff she does to him. He used to discuss the most intimate details about her. Sad but true.

rayshma said...

in retrospect, it all seems clear - that he wasn't worth it. but for her, to be in d r'ship... AND see this fact... that doesn't happen, does it?
there're lots of aspects, pix...
maybe she wasn't so serious when they started seeing each other... later, as she fell for him, she may have thought that if she could change her mind about him, he would do the same about her... could be anything. relationships are complex. and u never know what transpired between two individuals... personally, i know more women who are afraid of commitment than men...
she's just 24. she'll grow over him. and this break-up will make her a much stronger person, don't u think?

Pixie said...

@swati: yea, she will get over it...

@ Galadriel: TRue - and then we hope against hope that the relationship works out...

@ Jayashri: Such men seriously piss me off. I have seen this happening too where a guy says he is "tolerating" a girl because she is good to him...

@ Rayshma: Yea.. you are right - she will get over him...she needs to.

Aryan said...

This is happening everywhere pixie...women are more emotional.
Can't help. But she will be more matured now and will think twice before jumping into anyother relationship..
Aryan's mom

claytonia vices said...

It's not just men pixie!

It is so important for both to decide what they want pretty intially, as in, "communicate!!".

This could be the outcome of one secretly hoping that the other will change to what you want them to. And I think relationships should not be 'goal oriented' with an 'end' in mind. If commitment and marriage are destined to happen they would happen very naturally without much struggle... for all you know she feeling that 'she's not good enough' for him might have made her so needy as to get him all spooked out... I have seen that happen too...

"Why is it that men ______? Why is it that women ______ ?" Endlessly interesting... but it very easy to take sides than to look at what actually transpired...

I just keep telling my guy friend that the fact that he did not take many hints from the start itself that his relationship with a girl was doomed, but I realise he was too desperate and ignored those signs. So he took it to a very bitter and gruesome end which could have been certainly avoided.

It is the fear of realising that the relationship was not supposed to work in the first place and making their self-esteem dependent on the relationship working out or not causes some of this...

God, I have to stop writing these loooong sentences!!!

Cantaloupes.Amma (CA) said...

Sad !! I am sure the girl is wiser now ... though she had to learn it the hard way ! Sorry for her!

Mez said...

My previous blog was only dedicated to solving my r/ship crisis. The topic still facinates me. But now i refrain writing much on it. Off late.

Timepass said...

Tagged (oops..u have already done it)

Just a grail said...

That is very sad. I think that happens a lot when one of the people have low self esteem and feel like they can not do any better and stay with someone that has point blank told them that it is not going to amount to anything.
And then when it doesn't they are crushed.

PizzaDude said...

Relationships are so fascinating aren't they ? We can just go on and on and on...

I am starting to believe in what claytonia vices has told above about how relationships should not be goal oriented.

Lively said...

Landed here from Grail's blog.
This is quite a sensitive topic to talk about, esp when you talking about someone else. It is always easy to think of things that happen to others. But what if it happens to us? I mean what if I was madly in love with someone but he wasn't and just interested in a fling. Sometimes love drives people nuts, so much that they end up investing their time, energy and money into a relationship that doesn't exist in the first place. It's not only with girls, I've seen many guys who are nurturing the scars of the wounds by random females. They might openly scold them or not, but more often than not, deep down they still love them.
It is nobody's fault. It is not wrong to expect something good to happen. It's all perspective, how you take things.
The only way out of this, irrespective of the gender is to take things easy and practical. To think around if the relationship can survive according to you. And to consider your own happiness and life above everything else.

Pixie said...

@Lively: Welcome here :-)
you are so right.... i totally agree with what you have said and it's such a sensitive topic....
my sympathies are with my friend...

@ everyone: I agree and the topic is always and forever debatable....