Friday, January 09, 2009

Domestic Violence...

MM in her usual clear way talks about Domestic Violence and she says very correctly, that the Victim is to be blamed equally, because she kept quiet and let the violence recur without taking a stand...
A friend of mine is a victim of domestic violence... the whole thing is disgusting.
She has been beaten, humiliated, almost killed in a road accident by her drunk husband all in the name of dowry.
I haven't spoken to her in 5 yrs and all this information was given by another friend. The first thing, I wanted to do was call her and talk to her, offer any kind of support.
But, the next few lines my friend spoke, stopped me. Here's what she said:
My friend T is apparently "ashamed" of this whole fiasco and she doesn't want people to know she is a victim of domestic violence and she is getting a divorce.
Her parents told her to "adjust" and even gave more money to the B&*#$%$%$# when he harassed their daughter! They said she is "dark-skinned" and a "Woman's place is at her husband's"
She has put up with the violence, the humiliation for more than 2 yrs. She only walked out recently because he almost killed her! He was drunk, made her sit behind him on his bike, and had an accident on the Shimoga-Bhadravathi highway!!!
Her parents used to send her back to him, knowing that he will beat her again and again...
(I have a big grouse against her parents... what kind of people are they? How could they let their baby get hurt again and again? How could they keep quiet when they knew about how much pain and humiliation their daughter was going thru?)
The shameless B&*&^%^ even brought home other women in her presence!
I was speechless! How could she have stayed with him for 2 yrs?!!

Why didn't she tell her friends? It was only after my friend D scolded her and told her to cough up what the problem was, did she tell the details...
When D told her to call the police or better still, tell her husband and get the pig beaten up, T stopped her and now she has filed for divorce and for compensation (Which she isn't getting)

I just haven't been able to digest the whole thing. Her father had made a derogatory remark during the wedding of another friend and we had stopped talking because of that. My friend told me that "things were not right" because they are giving him a lot of money to marry their daughter simply because she is "dark-skinned"...
T feels on some level, she is the reason behind the violence!

My friend told me, "Keep out of this, you don't need this complication in your life, simply because she will not listen and her parents never did approve of your friendship because you were 'too modern and liberal thinking'. "

So, it's hard... I know someone who is going thru a difficult time because she has been humiliated so much, but I can do nothing... there is no way to reach out to her and even if I call her, she won't listen to what I have to say. Worse, she won't tell me what's happening...

But, I still don't know why she kept quiet and why she didn't do anything about the whole thing?
How could she keep on getting hurt like this without using her brains to get back at the guy or to walk out??

24 comments:

Ritu said...

Its very common and very sad and painful. The woman starts to like being victimized in some cases. My friend owns a beauty parlour and she was telling me a lot of clients come for camoflaging : you know getting make up put to hide the bruises ....

writerzblock said...

Sad, but totally true, Pix. And I think the victims are also to blame, for not standing up or walking out. We have to protect ourselves, for God's sake!

dxtr said...

Its really sad. I have a term paper to write on domestic violence and now I guess this has motivated to actually get started on the research!
Found your blog through Ritu's.

Lively said...

Can't you still see what the actual problem is? It is the way her parents think and her upbringing. They are not ready to accept change and are too hazy eyed when it comes to differentiating good and bad. It totally enraged me to read this. I feel sorry for your friend, but I am angry on her too. What kind of education is it when it doesn't help you decide in situations like these. Why did she waste two precious years of her life?! And what kinda shit is this "because she is dark skinned"? Were they living under rock all these years?

Smitha said...

It is very sad to hear about your friend's condition, however I agree with Lively, that the reason she was not able to walk out of the marriage earlier , was due to her upbringing. Most of the decisions we take are, to a large extent, thanks to our upbringing. Without her parents' support, she must have felt so helpless. And if, she was not financially independant, I guess, it must have been even more difficult.. I am more angry at her parents - How could they send her back??? They must be heartless!! I think, you should get in touch with her, surely she will realise that she does have support, and that she is not friendless..

Galadriel said...

Does she have a job? Coz independence is another reason why she might have chosen to stay. Hope she finds peace.

Amber said...

There are a lot of reasons why she might stay - finances, if they have children together, because she loves him and thinks he can change, because she is ashamed, because her parents put pressure on her, religious beliefs, etc. - but she's not the one committing a crime. She is not equally to blame. Staying with someone who batters is not a crime, but battering is. Instead of blaming her, you should be doing something to see that her husband is held accountable for his actions.

Pixie said...

@Everyone: I know.. her parents must be living under a rock...
I remember telling her all about sex and babies when she was 20!! She thought till me and another friend sat her down and spoke to her, that sex was bad and painful!! She belonged to that sort... her parents were never happy that she was friends with us and were very glad when I moved to bangalore.
And I do agree with Amber, he needs to be held accountable for his deeds, which unfortunately doesn't seem to be happening...

I will try to post updates as to what's happening and whether I do end up calling her...

wisegirl said...

BLAME THE PARENTS!!!!

wisegirl said...

BLAME THE PARENTS!!!!

Sachin said...

Outrageous!! I feel ashamed being a guy sometimes and this is one such time! Jerks like this should be (pardon my language) publicly castrated. Why get married at all if you don't know what marriage is all about?

While I agree with all of you and am just as angry reading this, I am sure its not as easy for T to take action - its all very well for us to give advice and stuff but surely things are different for T. I mean, am sure no one WANTS to be victimised in this manner. Guess she has her own problems.

Waiting for your update, Pixie!

Swati said...

Sounds like so horrible :O

claytonia vices said...

"But, I still don't know why she kept quiet and why she didn't do anything about the whole thing?
How could she keep on getting hurt like this without using her brains to get back at the guy or to walk out?? "

A severe deficiency of self-worth?
I know guys who suffered for more than a year under women who emotionally (maybe not physically) tortured them.

Renu said...

Blame goes to both parents and the girl. here the big problem is that sometimes girls are not economically independent tot ake of them selves if separated.
I feel its the duty of parents to give their daughters good education or some vocational training. but the biggest fault lies with the girl, when she marries the man knowing that he is doing it with the pressure of money, not giving enough importanc eto the education and then taking the violence silently.

illusionaire said...

This is sad! Really sad :(

In cases like these, one of the main reason the victim keeps silence is because she gets victimized for a whole lot of other reasons, like as if it was because of some fault of hers.

Even I have a friend whose parents forced her to marry somebody well-to-do MBA grad, even after the guy knocked up another woman AFTER my friend and he were engaged!

I was soooo pissed with her parents who decided to carry on with the wedding plans, and only after constant pressure from us, we finally changed their mind. But do we even need to pressure her parents?

Guy was a known flirt but her parents wanted a good stable secured future for their daughter, so they were blind to his character. I mean, how stable or happy would the marriage be anyway??? Parents are sometimes like this only :(

churningthewordmill.wordpress.com said...

domestic violence is always a complicated issue.
one reason for putting up with all this cud be the way she was socialised...but i have no concrete answers..im only guessing..
mandira

Cantaloupes.Amma (CA) said...

Thats very very sad ... and I know you are hurt since you are going to be a mute spectator. I hope your friend gets the courage to speak up ..

Pixie said...

Thanks everyone for the support... :)
It's hard to be a silent spectator, but at this point of time there's not much that I can do...

Amber, Dxtr, Lively, Smitha - welcome :-)
Please keep vising.. :-)

Just a grail said...

Ahhhh, I have so much to say on this topic and maybe will have to a posting.
But for now I will say, as someone who has lived with an abusive husband there are many reasons for staying, I also volunteer with a domestic violence agency and I take phone calls from women who are either currently in an abusive relationship or are trying to get out of one and sadly it is not that easy.
It is much easier to say that the victim should "just leave" or "stand up for themselves" but unless you have been in that situation you have no idea.

I liken it to being in a horrible car accident, if someone is trapped in the car no one stands on the sidewalk berating them for not bending the metal to get themselves out.

Reach out to her, and just let her know that you love her and you are there for her no matter what.

Cool Cancerian said...

I blame parents squarely for such situations, who don't care for their children. They amass money for dowry, and even pay the son-in-law who harasses their daughter, but will not use the same money to set her up and start on her own with their help and support. They are afraid of society and what it thinks of them and don't care for what their child is going through!!

Victims usually have low self esteem. (How can it be otherwise with parents like this??) and that is why they don't stand up for themselves. They need help to overcome that and not blame for not standing up for themselves. The first persons who ought to make the effort is parents. But the Indian parents are famous for sacrificing their daughters to harassing in-laws and husbands and also making sacrifices (like giving more dowry) to keep her in that condition!!

Solilo said...

Most of the times the parents are to be blamed for this cruelty too. How can any sensible parent send their girl back to an abusive guy? Caving into Dowry and meeting every demand of his, they are indirectly giving him an authority to rule their daughter.

Parents should bring their girls to stand on her own feet, to speak for herself.

As for such guys, they need to be humiliated.

Pixie said...

Yea.. I know! Her parents are to blame... its sad and sick to know that they knew their daughter was being hurt badly by some mean man and they kept quiet abt it!
Solilo and Cool cancerian - thank you for your comments and do keep visiting :)

I can't call her Grail... that's the worst part.. I will talk to my other friend once and find out how she's doing...


I hope I can help her in some way and will try to reach out...

Just a grail said...

Even if you can't call, you can let it be known thru other friends that you support her, regardless of her decision to stay or leave.

That is a key reason why women don't leave, they lack a strong support system, and usually many other things including a lack of trust in themselves, when you have been beaten down physically, emotionally and spiritually, you can hear other people telling you what you should do, and you even know it yourself but when you are made to KNOW you are worth nothing more than what you are getting it is hard to change those thoughts.

When I was being abused by my husband I left, but I had no money and no where to stay with my son, he had alienated me from any friends that I had and I had never had a good relationship with my mom, in fact she was mad that I came to stay with her. I was made to feel over and over that I was a piece of shit who deserved nothing more than what I got so I went back. I was miserable. BUT I made some very good friends who were my rock, they told me they loved me no matter who I was with and I was deserving of so much better and they said it and showed me until I knew it to the core of my being and when I left for good they were there every horrible step of the way.

The other important thing to know is that women in these relationships KNOW that they should leave, so people telling them over and over is not helpful it is just another person telling them what to do. The most powerful thing to have is your own voice, and sooner or later they will find it.

Sorry to ramble, but this subject is obviously close to home! :-)

Pixie said...

hugs babe! I will let her know...
you are an awesome person.. and yes, it takes courage to walk away...
You are welcome to ramble on and on and on... :)