Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Long-Overdue post...

I came across this article in Rediff, very long ago (I think it's almost more than a year old article)

The discussion board there is much more interesting than the actual article itself.
Lots of guys have written and agreed with one another that its because of the girl
– since she is making good money in the IT sector that the Divorce rates are
They also go on to point that a girl in the IT sector should be the last
choice for getting married…
What kind of bullshit are we spreading here???
And we call these people educated...

Why are these statistics so misleading? Or are these frightening statistics really true?

The guys in my project are of the same mentality.
Now, I don't exactly consider any of them as men, but their feeling is the same.

There is also some weird trend here, guys, who have spent all their life, save their working years, growing up in a restricted, small-minded environment have all married girls who are fresh out of college!
Now, we all know how mature, career-oriented we were at the tender age of 20, right?!

All of them are married to girls, who are not ambitious.
Is it because they have such huge inferiority complex that they need to control their wives, either thru physical abuse or thru financial dependency??

Many of my friends in my age group - single and successful women are quite afraid to go in for arranged marriages, simply because the guys elder to them, would expect them to either toe the line somewhere or make huge compromises in terms of
career growth and money.

Most of them prefer being single or in an affair where they wouldn't have to make life-altering compromises.

Why is it that men find it increasingly difficult to adjust to wives earning more money or being in a higher position than them?

We women in the IT sector lead are more stressed out.
Balancing both work and home is difficult.
We are ambitious, much more than our counter-parts, more productive and definitely much more professional than the men.
But, we manage because we have awesome spouses behind us, egging us on, cheering us to do better.

My friend asked me how I manage, now I necessarily don't think I'm managing anything because my support system is rock-solid.
The only thing my dad says till date is - "do your best and be the best"
My mom says, waiting a year more to have a baby is ok - nothing is wrong with that - concentrate on your work now.
My husband - he is the one who criticises me, makes me cry over my work and helps me when I get stuck somewhere.
He is the one who keeps a hot meal ready when I go home late, who wakes me up with a cup of chai and packs my breakfast for me.
Do I feel guilty that he does so much? NO.
Why? Because I do the very same for him... I make sure he has cleanly pressed clothes to wear, hot food and all the criticism and encouragement he can possibly digest!!!

What gets my goat is that a woman is expected to do all this and when the man does the same for his wife - he is either "Joru Ka Gulam" or the lady is very "lucky"!!

Isn't it but natural for the husband to be equally, if not more supportive of his wife's career, life?

The inequality gets to me and the level of insecurities never fails to amaze me!

How long will we struggle like this?
I hope that as we struggle, that some change will come about. But, then, I have always been an optimist!

P.S: This was written a very long time ago, but hadn't published it for various reasons unknown!
So, putting it up now after toning down the post... :)


DewdropDream said...

And if I hear right, it's more of a struggle for women in IT because they get passed over for promotions due to their gender on many occasions, despite being better than male counterparts in a team/company. And they still want to blame women who don't want to give up a career?

I don't like this sort of attitude either... marriage isn't the be all and end all of a girl's life... i feel sorry for the girls who marry such narrow-minded insecure men.

rayshma said...

pix.. i wonder if you've heard what they say about girls in media/entertainment industries... to put it mildly, they're "perceived" to be easy. to top that, if she lives alone or in a hostel.. and/or dresses smartly, then she HAS to be a slut.
and these perceptions are not only male. there are women who say these things about other women as well.

i think women who prefer staying single rather than marrying the wrong guy are very smart and very brave.

i don't know what can be done other than ensuring that our kids don't grow up to think like these chauvinistic ppl!

Solilo said...

Pixer, These days I often hear that the divorce rates are higher now because of more girls getting education and working.

I don't know whether to laugh or cry at the statement. So according to some even if it is a bad marriage, sticking together is best. People might not even realize that children are better off with single parents than a set of constantly fighting couple.

Now that women are working, there is no one to take care of older parents. Now that women are working, they answer back and thus fuel the fight.

Instead of looking for the actual problem, the easiest target gets blamed.

Anonymous said...

very true words...very well written post :)

- the same old Chitra!

Indian Home Maker said...

Pixie congratulations :) I am so proud and happy to meet a couple like you guys!!!

Be proud of your JKG and let's make a mockery of the label/term of JKG by using to describe men who are not afraid of Gender Equality.

Indyeah said...

awesome post!loved it!and yes all that you have written about is so so true...
its def smarter to stay single than to marry some insecure creep...

one should settle for nothing less than the best...

and Solilo's point is so valid....I mean the blame gets diverted to such stupid 'its happening because the girls are getting educated..!!.

all crap!!

Rashmi said...

Brilliant post...very well put the reality ..

I m also working in IT..long working hours and busy schedule is part of life now...

in office even if female get promotion leaving behind male coworker ...there is always hue and cry that she is girl iewhy get preference...
its tough for guys to accept the fact that girls can perform better than them...

Ersa said...

OH my, I just read through the discussion forum on that article and can't believe what all nonsense some people have talked...Why can't they just accept that women can maintain a career after marriage and support them through? Why do they make it so hard...

Very well written, Pixie...And good for you on your support system, touchwood...

Anonymous said...

I am glad that I know you, Piper. A strong girl with her head firm on her shoulders, and an equally capable partner too! Regarding men marrying young (nubile?) non-ambitious girls...I read somewhere that men always prefer young girls for their child-bearing capability! And women prefer older, more mature men, for their capability to shoulder family responsibilities! Ofcourse this isn't the only explanation for the trend. But the trend, in itself is not a very good sign. Its quite retrograde, infact.
Thanks for posting. A very thought-provoking post.

Anonymous said...

Touche... I completely agree with you.
I recently met a kid who was 3 and had no clue about his mum. He innocently told me "I don't have mummy."
I later learnt that his mother has left his father cos she wanted to stick on to her job.
That I believe is wrong.

So if you are a career oriented woman. Marry a man who is understanding and supportive and learn to balance your personal and professional life.

If you have a child and then decide that you want to give all your time to your career and nott care about your kid, then it's wrong.
It's because of such kind of women in the IT sector that brings a bad name to the entire sect.

But of course, there are chauvinists who just want to control their wives too

Smitha said...

Oh this attitude is so irritating!!! I have come across this all through my time in IT..For some reason, men find it extremely easy to blame it all on girls who have broken barriers and moved ahead of them! Though - not everybody is like that - my husband too, is more confident of my abilties than I am, at times :) And he is all for me going back to work - when I want to, that is.. It is just people with a huge complex who believe that an independant woman is the reason of all evil.

Fantastic Post!

@lankr1ta said...


This is what I have been screaming at everyone I meet too, "Never marry the wrong person,Stay single instead", but I always get a "You are married it is easy to speak that way"... but yeah I married the RIGHT person- was quite ready to live the stereotypical spinsters life with a cat for company (have a cat though- I guess feline love is not spinster-related)

@lankr1ta said...


This is what I have been screaming at everyone I meet too, "Never marry the wrong person,Stay single instead", but I always get a "You are married it is easy to speak that way"... but yeah I married the RIGHT person- was quite ready to live the stereotypical spinsters life with a cat for company (have a cat though- I guess feline love is not spinster-related)

Renu said...

yeah, old mindset is like that, but changing slowly. And whatevr anyone can say, today's boys are doing a great effort for the equality of girls..they are working doubly hard:)

Pixie said...

@Ray - yea, I've heard that one too... a frn of mine is in advertising and he was telling me all about it...

@DDD - yep - we do get passed over and if we do get the promotopn, its because you are in the good books of your superior!!

@Solilo - I know... its irritating...

@Chitra - thnx!

@IHM, Indyeah, Rashmi, Ersa - thanx!! The struggle becomes worthwhile when you know you have the support.

@Pal, Smitha, Alankrita, Niveditha, Renu: thanks... the struggle is never ending and yes, some of the men today have made the fight worth it! :)
And yea, un-ambitious women, women with no goal except to give birth and to cook and clean are the hot favorites because they are not threats...

A guy I know at work made sure the girl he is marrying quit college.
She was in her final yr degree and the big ox is 34 yrs old!!!

you know, there is a new trend now-a-days - "Independent thinking women with modern thoughts who will adjust to the family and its traditions"
WTF?!! really. WTF does that mean?!!

Pinku said...

God bless the two of you.

I think both of you are very lucky to find each other.

And believe you me....we who work in advertising/media hear a lot more....apparently all of us are sluts...sleeping with everyone from the boss to the client to his peon in order to get work done.

and like Rayshma says these theories come from other women too not just men.

Smitha said...

You know Pixie - I came across another one of these specimens last weekend - he claims that money has gone into 'women's heads' and they just don't feel the 'need' for a husband! Just because some girls refuse to stop working once they get married!!! I was like 'WTF'??? Why should they expect her to????

Sandhya said...

well yes, if husband makes a cup of tea, everyone goes, wow and a girl should be just doing it!!

Cilla said...

Completely agree...whats worse is that I have seen its the more educated men...the MBAs, engineers, doctors and the like who want more of a stay at home, unambitious wife...but again the stay at home wife has to be well educated (or else who will teach the kids)...should be good reasonably modern (after all he needs to take her to the office bash also...and has to be able to drive a car or cook or whatever it is that is necessary to tend to the in-laws...they might as well marry robots

Swati said...

Do not know why I missed this post and when ..but this is indeed such a lovely post ..and as I read it I realize all over again how much we have in commom friends ask me so many times how I manage to work and its indeed because I have HIM ...who wakes me up with tea when I am too tired and cooks and takes care of kid when I am late :)